cratered

gaze inward, fall to your knees,
the height of your heart's defenses
lifts your eyes to heaven
they start to bleed
as you begin to plead

don't go blindly into this fight,
for there you'll be ensnared in the Devil's plight
trying to right injustices perceived,
not real, only dreamed,
and fall between the talons of the damned,
farthest away from God's Holy Hand.

be sharp

If I were you and you were me would we still disagree and fall victim to our insecurities?

pots

This passion has burned
and in sadness I come up
the path of the wounded
to ask you my bleeding to stop

Devotion renewed
put a stop to this madness
released from this prison
freedom restored to my soul

unchecked and unbounded

The joy I feel in the light on this presence transcends the night of this existence it takes me to a higher plane seen by few and of unknown name for the words of our world are too crude to do justice to this place that is a first step for beginners and a second chance for sinners everyone on equal ground both those blessed to heaven or damned to hell share secrets hoarded from times beyond tell and everyone is at very least content with him or her self no need to gaze upon shattered pieces of a life once whole not to be repeated till Jesus come or Demon-fall or just maybe never at all who can tell for what need this place is in essence that which everyone dreams wisping and wicking tendrils of mist mingling with dancing and flicking fingers of flame that burn within the hearts and souls of some young and some old for youth is quick to forget while age begets the time for remembrance but not always the ability to regain that forlorn nobility and yet all should ever gaze forward toward distant land for there is always the horizon and an unseen sands to beach the jetty for short whiles and explore the misty forest for miles then back to the pitch and roll of the seas that inspires countless dreams.

I'm still bleeding...

Bandaged and bleeding
stitched and still seeping
these wounds won't go away with a kiss
or a statement of forgiveness

more than my body was bruised
more than my heart was broken
my eternal soul was shattered
my reason to live destroyed

I committed no crime
showed you no sin
still you passed judgement
sentenced me to a life devoid of you

They say "Time heals all",
but if it stands still,
will we die?

fearwithin

Come into my nightmare
I promise you'll be safe from me
for the only thing you should be scared of
is hiding within yourself
waiting to burst out

made in somniac

everyone needs to re-focus, re-center themselves from time to time in the 'real world' (rw). what continually surprises me is that people naively believe that since this is the 'virtual world'(vw), rw rules don't apply.

**huh??!?**

so that means we don't need to take a break? we are to put our daily lives on hold to feed the gaping maw and voracious appetite of the collective insanity?

**shudder**

the vw is a by-product of the rw. always has been. always will be. it's just now, with the added and continual (and mind-boggling speed of) advent of technology, we are able to share a visualization of our personal delerium. put your mind in the 19th century. do you know what they'd do to someone like us if they could see into our minds like we allow today? they'd knock holes in your forehead and temples, or shove a wire up your nose and lobotomize you. you'd be catatonic, but cured.

**weird**

and that's just it. it is weird. but that's okay. weird is the norm in the vw. but it's not the norm in the rw.... at least it's not accepted as the norm in the rw. so why should the norm in the vw be held to the same rules as that of the rw?

(because!)

not good enough. we use computers as tools of expression. they are a means to an end. they are tireless machines built by walking meat-bags to accomplish what they cannot because they need sleep, whereas a simple machine goes until it is shut down or outdated.

(what are you trying to say?)

I don't really know. I'm tired, quite sore, restless and uncreative. It's not up to me to analyze, only to write. Draw your own conclusions; I'm going to bed.

ambient

Welcome to your addiction

Once

I prayed for wisdom,
God said "Wait," and taught me patience.

I prayed for wisdom when I had grown a little older,
God said "Wait," and helped me through school.

I prayed for wisdom once,
God said "Wait," and opened my eyes to the world around me.

I prayed for wisdom,
God said "Wait," and revealed the joy of music.

Again I prayed for wisdom,
God said "Wait," and gave me friends.

As I grew older,
I prayed for wisdom many times,
and each time, God said "Wait,"
and gave me first one job, then another,
followed by many others.

Then one night as I was praying,
God asked me,
"Would you like some more wisdom tonight?"

He's a sneaky dude sometimes.

the chase

To the uninspired, the muse becomes
as elusive as the wounded hart,
revealing itself only at inopportune times,
leaving behind just enough of itself
to encourage the chase.

She is the last fleeting dream
before awakening to a grey dawn,
tantalizing the memory by standing
firmly just beyond thought's grasp and
wisping away just before an outstretched
finger of remembrance can touch it.

The uninspired chase the muse as
the Inspector chases the dragon while
searching for what they perceive to be
the means to a common end;
for one, creation;
the other, destruction;
for both, fulfillment.
Completion.
A mediocre finale to a
misbehaved childhood,
mischievous adolescence
and misspent adult life.

The chase claims many,
too many of the good and potentially great,
not enough of the rest.
It wreaks havoc,
wrecks minds,
tortures souls,
disfigures character,
and sometimes,
sometimes,
destroys -
completely, utterly -

destroys.

Bored? Me too

Words I've heard over the past week[ish]:

Hey, it's ain't like he's dead.

That's gonna leave an awesome scar.

You can kiss my left nut.

I aim to misbehave.

How many stitches??!?

Marriage is an institution... AND you have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sounds like a nuthouse to you, you should be in one.

Where would I be without Post-It notes?

Don't sweat petty things and don't pet sweaty things.

Disappointment just means your standards are too high.

I'm bored and uncreative right now... get over it.

Hey! You get pregnant! Look too long!

Thoughts abound

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, mostly about fame vs the relative obscurity I currently live in. I'll do a post about it a little later. Right now, I wanna vent about the recent bad luck that's happened to me.

Incident 1:

I took a week off work to be a counselor at my old camp. It's always been fun, and this year was no different. But in the course of the week, I managed to pinch a nerve in my neck. How? I dunno... maybe throwing the kids into the lake for 2 hours a day, every day... but that's speculation. So I was off work for another 2 weeks after camp trying to rehab my shoulders and getting my neck cracked.

Finally worked, and my first day back at work (today)....

Incident 2:

I was pounding rebar, when the sledge hit with the edge and slipped off the bar, slicing my finger rather deeply (6 stitches deeply, actually). So now I'm off work again.

I'm not happy.



in the midst of all this, there is the added stress of finding work for the fall so that I can afford to move back to Edmonton, finding a place to stay in Edmonton until I can move into my friend's house, and family issues that I'll never discuss in this space.

typing with a splinted finger sucks.

did you know...? One year ago, I almost took off my hand with a chainsaw.

True story.

Wish it wasn't.

Who are you?

It's hard to sleep
when thoughts of you
keep running through my brain.

It's hard to work
when all I want to do
is walk away and be with you.

It's hard to make music
when what I want to hold
isn't my guitar, but you.

It's hard to write
when when my creativity
is pushed aside by my longing for you.

But who are you?

It was late

had a run in with the devil last night
he told me to watch out for the ninja lady
then he smiled
turned into a bug
morphed into a bat
and vanished

the ninja lady came a little while later
she had nice eyes
bright clear and shiny as the stars
she held ready in her hands
then she smiled at me
(odd)
at least I think she smiled
cuz her mask lifted around her cheekbones
and her eyes squinted a little

but maybe she was just trying to tell me something
I don't really know
but she had nice eyes

Removing the Blinders

I tried, it failed,
but it's okay,
it was always an almost anyway.

Don't dwell on how
I feel today,
it was always an almost anyway.

The load from my
shoulders outweighs
the sorrow I feel knowing that
it was always an almost anyway.

I had to ask,
and now I know
it was always an almost anyway.

I thank you and,
looking back, see
it was always an almost anyway.

Allah or Jesus? by Rick Mathes

"Last month I attended my annual training session
that's required for maintaining my state prison
security clearance. During the training
session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the
Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who
explained each of their belief systems.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam
had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the
basics of Islam, complete with a video.

After the presentations, time was provided for
questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the
Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but
I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam
have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the
infidels of the world. And, that by killing an
infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are
assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can
you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and,
without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this
straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded
to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can
go to Heaven. Is that correct?"

The expression on his face changed from one of
authority and command to that of a little boy who had
just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He
sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem
trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all
Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley
ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to
Heaven!"
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have problem with being your
friend when you and your brother clerics are telling
your followers to kill me. Let me ask you a question.
Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill
me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who
tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and
He wants you to be with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of
the 'Diversification' training seminar were not happy
with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and
exposing the truth about the Muslim's beliefs."


from an email I received today.

Inadequacy Revisited

The things I wish I could say to you
but I don't know how -
I don't know the language of angels.

These feeling and thoughts
stem from my heart
but they belong to you
and my one fear is that
you'll never know them.

How does a man go through life,
living each day as though he is
unaware of love,
forsaking his heart
because
of one reason[excuse] or another

-----Painfully-----

It hurts me, so badly,
that I am unable to voice my feelings
in anything other than anonymous
poetry and chicken-scratch
letters to myself.

This is Inadequacy Revisited,
Rediscovered,
Redefined,
..................Released?

I want to be able to tell you these things,
But I don't know how.
I don't know the language of angels.

Skid Steer Musings, pt. I

Piercing blue meets
Emerald green
and at this intersection
our destiny, our fate
sits and awaits our coming.

Walk here beside me,
please not behind me.
We're in this together,
together, forever.

Lean on me when you're tired,
I'll help you when you fall,
I'll carry you when you need it,
for it's you I love above all.

Walk here beside me,
please not behind me.
We're in this together,
together, forever.

Ivory

my fingers are slow
ponderous
it's been years since
they've felt this cool
smoothness
years since they've
attempted to express
in this way

the knowledge tries to
fight through the
haze
fingers once fluid
are slow and stiff
uncertain

but with patience and
a calmness of heart
the music comes
slowly
quietly my fingers
plunk away

the mood created is soft
wishful
mournful and soulful

I finish craving more
knowing it's something
I can't have
not yet
but soon

I hope

we should jam some time

Cold steel under my fingers
biting into the calluses formed
by years of innovating and playing
creating moods that dance and float
through the stillness of the room
creating an atmosphere capable of
calling forth a burst of laughter
a slow nod of the head
or wrenching my soul in mournful lament
no one truly understands
except you

The Stats:

Whyte Avenue by numbers for Saturday night:

25,000 - 30,000: fans on Whyte Avenue

1,500: dollars to replace one average commercial window

15: people arrested

9: fires set with garbage, pallets, etc.

5: people (at least) crowding onto an awning above Chapters

3: large-pane windows smashed at Chapters

2: phone booths uprooted and destroyed

2: lights ripped apart atop a 30-foot tall light standard

2: people jumping from rooftops onto boulevard trees

1: storefront window obliterated at Burlington Tobacconist

1: side window smashed at Chicken Scratch

1: man who urinated in crowd

1: man who fell from a guy wire

1: woman who broke her ankle

1: person charged with a Criminal Code offence


source

Why?

Fighting tips

One thing to remember is that there is no such thing as a fair fight. Someone always has an advantage. He/She could be stronger, faster, bigger, taller... whatever. What I'm gonna do is give you some tips to make sure you don't get yourself knocked out.

#1: What to do if the other guy's taller

This is pretty easy. If he's taller, he very likely has the reach advantage (he can hit you, but you can't reach him). How do you counter-act this? Two ways:

a) Get inside. Wait for him to throw a punch, then step inside and hammer away. I know this works, because I have long spider-arms that don't work too well when they're bunched in close to my body.

b) Use your legs. They're longer than your arms. This is slightly-less than honorable, because you look like a huge pussy when he's throwing punches and you kick him in the shins or the man-bits. I prefer option a; but hey, if you're a big pussy, go for b, and call it a night.

#2: What to do if he's stronger/bigger

Not as easy. He's stronger than you, so stay away from him. Big guys like to get the fight over with quickly, because they're carrying a lot of weight in all that muscle. Keep him moving, and hit him with body shots. Body shots will eventually wear him down faster than hitting him in the face will (no matter how satisfying that is). Get him where he lives, and he'll go down. Also, most dudes who pack on the muscle don't typically train for endurance, so the more he moves, the more tired he gets. When he's fatigued, those punches don't have as much mustard on them, so they hurt less and are less accurate. If he rushes you (this depends on timing), step aside, but drag your foot. He'll trip over it. Then he has to pick himself up off the floor. Also a good technique for fatiguing the tank.

#3: What to do if he's faster

Hope you can take a hit. The majority of the time, speed doesn't equal power. So if the dude is firing off rabbit-punches, suck it up, block the ones you can, and get in close. Speed needs room to work. Crowd him, and if you can catch one of his arms, you can control him. Put an arm-bar on, or ground-and-pound him.

#4: He's a pussy, and has a bunch of friends with him.

Let him start the fight. Once he throws the first punch, stagger back into the crowd. They'll likely push you back where you came from, but now you have more room in which to work. Also, the bouncers will likely have noticed, and have started making their way over to see what the ruckus is about. Once the pussies get involved, if the bouncer is any good, he'll be on your side, because hey, all he knows is that you got jumped by a bunch of guys. He should give you a hand with kicking their asses; the only downside is that you might get kicked out with the wuss-patrol.

Random/Miscellaneous Tips:

-Use your head. Don't stop thinking, just because you're in a fight. If you see that there's something on the ground that can trip him (ie: barstool), try to maneouver around so that he'll trip over it. No sense expending energy trying to knock him down, when an inanimate object will do the job for you. Work smarter, not harder.

-If you can hit him in the solar plexus (right below the sternum), you're almost guaranteed that he'll double over, because you just knocked the wind outta him. While he's staggered and recovering, put your hands behind his head and push down, while at the same time, lifting your knee into his face. If that doesn't put him down for the count... I give up.

-If you get him turned for a second, try to hit him behind the ear. Most of the time, it's like hitting the power button - off go the lights.

-Don't be afraid to hit him with things other than your fists. Open-palm hits are just as effective, as is using the edge of your hand. Slamming your forearm or elbow into his face is a pretty good way of ending a fight in a hurry, and who doesn't like a good ol' fashioned headbutt?

Some people might say that this is fighting dirty. This isn't a duel. There is no honour at stake here. This is just two guys who want to pound the buh-jeezus outta each other. Sparring, boxing, martial arts, arena fights... they all have rules. But when you're walking down the street and some jackass tries to mug you, there are no rules. It's either you or him; which would you prefer?

Gotta go spar now. I'm out!

Vids

#1: These guys rock

#2: "Homeboy go home!"

I'm bored

Waiting for today and tomorrow to end so I can write my final on Friday and BE DONE!!!

I was at Save-on-Foods on 109th today, picking up some lunch, and there were 2 EPS cars and 4 officers there. Were they shopping? No.... apparently it takes 4 Edmonton Police officers to arrest, detain and question a shop-lifter. Why? Where were they when that guy got beaten to death on a bus, not too long ago?

Anyway, I'm here, eating my healthy choice for today, and it made me wonder: why do people eat at set times of the day? Who says I have to wait for 12:00 to eat lunch, or 6:00 to eat supper? Now, obviously this doesn't affect me too much, because it's what....3:47pm and I'm eating supper. This will be followed by copious amounts of nachos, etc, at around 8:00 tonight, because it's Wing Night.

I just realized that my salad came with chicken, and I've been neglecting it. Whoops.

Back to the pondering... When I was in Mexico (Los Cabos, 2002), I was with a group of about 30 people (+/-). We ate at the most ridiculous times. I remember one night we didn't eat supper till about 10:00. That sort of pissed me off; but what really pissed me off is that they wouldn't let me stop and get a snack while we were waiting. "No, we'll wait for everyone to show, and then we'll go to this great restaurant I know of and have a fantastic meal." F that. There were ants all over the place, and my sammich was stupidly small. Next time I go, it's gonna be either alone or with my wife (whoever/where ever she is). Someone who understands that when RyeGuy gets hungry, they'd better let him eat, or he'll make life hell.

Wow, a food post. Random.

Long Weekend

So I went camping this past weekend with a bunch of friends. We went to Kootenay Plains, by the Columbia Icefields. Pretty sweet place. Left Saturday morning, because Friday night I went to a soccer match at Commonwealth Stadium. Canada vs. Brazil. Canada won, 2-1. That was a sweet game.

Anyways, so we got to the site at about 2 or 3 ish, unpacked and set off to have some fun. Which we did, in copious amounts. Sunday consisted of hiking up to Siffleur (Stiffler) Falls and setting up a zip line across the gorge. Those who went across said it was pretty decent. I didn't go (I have issues with heights), but I played in bush (no dirty thoughts now...) and had a blast. We lost one the girls somewhere on the mountain, so three of us set off to find her. Turns out she was hiding in a crack in the rock, and just wanted some time alone. So we left her there, and went back to camp. I sunburnt my head that day.

We got back to camp, cooked(?) up some food(?), rested up a bit, then I went with a couple other dudes, climbed up the cliff behind our site and hiked to a frozen waterfall, about a mile (+/-) west of camp. We passed through a field with a bunch of Sundance lodges. Everytime I do something like that, I always get one of two feelings: I'm not supposed to be there; or something wants to communicate with me. The feeling I got on Sunday was the latter, so I lagged behind and tried to open myself up to whatever energies were there, but nothing came. So then I had to run to catch up to the other guys. We then had to climb 1/2 way up the mountain to get to the waterfall, and Holy Moses was it ever steep. Turns out the North (right) fork in the path was the easy way. We went South (left), and had a doozy of time getting to the fall. But we got there, and I decided I wanted to climb up to the top. So I did. That got pretty hairy at a few points, but I got as high as I could, and wow... the view was.... yeah... I kinda wish I had a camera, but I'm also kinda happy I didn't, because I have that memory all to myself.

Monday was a pretty lazy day. We played some soccer, some Ultimate Frisbee...that was pretty much it. Left at noon-ish, cuz one of the girls had to work @ 4:30... yeah, we didn't make it. I blame the checkstop that nailed us, that and the endless convoys of people and their friggin' houses on wheels. I was getting extremely frustrated with them. "Hey guys, lets all do 90 during the double-stripes, then bump it up to 120 through the passing lanes!" MF! (Major Frustration... I'm trying to cut down on my cussin'. I'm a teacher now...) But yeah, she was only 15 minutes late (+/-), so it wasn't too bad. Then I realized I had homework due today... so I got up early to do it, cuz we watched Jarhead and Tristan and Isolde last night. I wasn't sure I would like Jarhead, but it was a lot better than I thought. Tristan and Isolde could've used more hacky-slashy and less wuvvy-duvvy. James Franco really wrecks some people in that flick; Boris the Blade shoulda had Spiderman on his side.

For some reason, whenever I go camping, I'm up at first light (which is actually before sunrise), and yet I always feel refreshed, even though I sleep 1/2 as much. Weird. Anyways, it was a good weekend. Only 2 more days of class, then a final to write, then it's time to find a real job. (shudder). Game 3 tonight, Whyte Ave's gonna be ca-RAZY. I think I'll stay in this time. So close to the end, don't wanna get shived now.

I'm out!

I took this from my buddy Dave's blog...

welcome

Brandon walks down into the basement to take his newly bought Super Sex Suck Vac 3000 to his room. He is quickly stopped in place with the realisation that there is a 15 foot tall demon hunched over the couch watching t.v. Brandon: Dave....Dave...DAVE!!!!!! Dave: What? Dave and Bob come down stairs and Kevchu opens his door and all are now standing in the basement staring at the demon. Brandon: What is a demon doing in the house Dave: There's no rule against it Brandon: Dave, you did this? Dave: No, just sayin'... Brandon: So when did it get here? Kevchu, didn't you notice it when you came in? Kevchu: I was a .....you know distracted..... -A women stumbles wobbly legged out of kevchu's room, hits her head against the wall and goes unconcious. Everyone looks, then back to the demon.- Dave: Let's ask the demon.....why you here? Demon: I am Lord Jeffcoltus, son of Petrificus, and you summoned me. Dave: I summoned you? Demon: Well, not you in particular. Dave: So the world summoned you? Demon: No, you four. Dave: I blame Bob. Bob: Nope. Demon: There is no way you could have summoned by accident. It would take 3 very incredible acts to summon me. Dave: What are they? Demon: Firstly you must steal success from an entire town -All four look at the Success roadsign in the corner.- Demon: Then three grown men and an ape must be brought to Climax at the same time. Bob: Ahhhhh, that roadtrip to pick up Jeff in Climax, SK. Demon: Thirdly, someone must be intimate with a goat. -Looks of confusion, then everyone turns towards Kevchu, as a goat walks out of his room.- Kevchu: It was her idea....I swear! Bob: Demon, can you make spaghetti? Demon: No. Bob: Well, what good are you?

There is always another option

There is always another option.

Sometimes it seems as though it's the wrong choice, because the road it leads you down is twisted and mangled with a multitude of obstacles.

But who said that life was supposed to be easy?

The great thing about having family and friends is that you surround yourself with people whom you trust to give you honest answers and/or opinions. You get to look at situations from a multitude of perspectives. An example of this is a diamond cutter. He doesn't just take a quick glance and start chipping away. He surveys the entire rock, looking for natural breaks and seams that allow for the best possible course of action, that being the greatest gain with a minimum of loss. Note how there is a "minimum" of loss... that doesn't mean there isn't any. There are always some pieces of the diamond that cannot be included without ruining the entire gem. But by looking from a bunch of different angles, the cutter minimizes loss, and the end result is a precious gem of intense value. And sometimes the pieces left behind can be extracted after the initial cutting is complete, each adding extra value to the set.

What's your diamond? What are your options?

Band: Opeth; Song: Harvest

Stay with me a while
Rise above the vile
Name my final rest
Poured into my chest

Into the orchard i walk peering way past the gate
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead
Halo of death, all i see is departure
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr

Pledge yourself to me
Never leave me be
Sweat breaks on my brow
Given time ends now

Into the orchard i walk peering way past the gate
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead
Halo of death, all i see is departure
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr

Spirit painted sin
Embers neath my skin
Veiled in pale embrace
Reached and touched my face

Into the orchard i walk peering way past the gate
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead
Halo of death, all i see is departure
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr.

Foundationless

manic in my madness here,
restlessly avoiding fear
for fear itself is dominating...
it's frustrating...
I turn and plead...

battered back and defenseless,
my walls are foundationless,
and you're always fiercely attacking,
the odds are stacking...
you've broken me...

now you've got me on my knees,
begging forgiveness for these
and past transgressions unrepented...
I've relented...
it's you I need.

History

In the annals of life
the historian writes
of sins and misdeeds,
misgivings and greed,

focused only on self,
rejecting all help,
unable to see.

Now in the Book of Life
the Historian rights.
The story now tells
how I crawled from my shell,

out of the night,
into the light,
and became free.

A Reflection, Pt. III

Death. What a fascinating subject - our first real breakthrough...

"But you know what? I think she knew. I didn't have the guts to say it, but she knew."

Not even God would've prepared me for what came next.

"I should've married her."

Whoa.

"She was the only one I've ever met who didn't judge me as soon as she met me. And trust me, if you meet me, it ain't a social event. If there's any time to judge someone, it's when they turn out to be the one sent to kill you."

I couldn't argue with him on that point. Not that I wanted to argue with someone who would snap my neck if the notion ever seemed pleasing to him.

"Yet she never did. I don't know why; it would've made the job so much easier. I don't have to think about putting two in the brainpan when they're cursing and spitting at me. It's actually funny. They kneel there, yelling "FUCK Y-" BOOM-BOOM, and they're done. Sorry 'bout the language. But not her. She just turned around, kneeled, and waited."

He drifted off into a sort of daze, his face a mask of mingling emotions. I tried to decipher his thoughts, but like everytime before, it was impossible. Just what was it that made this man, who had killed so many people for such trivial causes, who was so completely unafraid of anything in this world, ask for a chaplain?

"She haunts me. Well, I guess they all haunt me in one way or another, but even the WAY she haunts me is different. Usually it's sort of like a minor case of deja vu, but with her - I can still see her, smell her, hear her... But I had to leave her behind. It wouldn't have been fair otherwise. Oh, I don't care if the employer gets pissed off. I can get rid of myself in a hurry if I need to. But it wouldn't have been fair to her. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't exactly Mother Teresa. If she was, I wouldn't have gotten to meet her. But still... I couldn't have done that to her."

Who exactly WAS this woman, that she could soften this man's cold, hard heart into a state of compassion?


"So I asked her to save me a spot next to her in Hell, so we could have some fun pissing off the Devil together. She laughed, said "Sure thing, handsome" and closed her eyes. I've never tried so hard to make it a perfect kill, but I know she went fast and painless. That has to count for something, doesn't it Padre?"

I had no answer to that question.

"I mean, how else does a guy kill the woman he loves?"

Or for that.

A Reflection, Pt. II

"Someone asked me if I had faith. That one caught me off guard for some reason. I mean, usually they ask if I believe in God, or Allah, or whatever the f-- heck they believe in. That's easier. I say 'No,' cuz I don't, finish the job, and leave. But this was different. Do I have faith...?"

What followed was a silence that can only be described as ponderous, as if he was really thinking about the question. After what seemed like an acceptable period (remembering that he is a killer), I gently coaxed him to continue with a choked and timid "Do you?"

"I had to stop and think about it for a bit. Finally, I had to say 'yes'. Y'know what she said then? I can remember it clear as if it happened 2 minutes ago. 'Then never let it go. Whatever it is that you believe in, never let it go.' I didn't understand what she meant until my last job." He sighed, "God she was beautiful. And she got it. She got it."

I wasn't sure what he meant by that. She "got it"? I could only assume he meant that she understood why he was supposed to kill her. Then he said this:

"Which means she got me."

Interesting. "She got you?"

"Yeah. She got me. And all of a sudden I didn't have the heart to tell her that the only thing I have faith in is Death."

I refuse to play your silly little games

I've never made it a secret that I'm inspired by dark media such as Sin City. And I outright said that the dialogue is written for a character much like Marv. And yes, it is a dialogue, as you will see when all the parts are posted. So really, you can call it what you want, when it's finished, it will be similar in some aspects, and different in others. There are at least 5 more posts to go before this character study is finished; even then, I will still leave loose ends that I can play with later. It's how I write; if you don't like it, don't visit. Just please sign your name to your comments.

A Reflection - Pt. I

"Killing's not so hard. Sure, the first couple of times
it's a bit of a shock to your system, but you get
over it pretty quickly. I've killed just about
everything there is to kill in this world. Animals,
trees, people, their hopes and dreams and faith
in each other... after a while it becomes just
another job, y'know? Just another day at the office.
Only my office is a dirty room in a seedy motel run
by dirty people in a seedy town. They say no one is
born to kill. But they've never met me. Killing's all
I do; it's all I've ever done. And I'm damn good at it."

Forward Farewell

"I've been living a lie
for too long. Every day,
every week, I'm somebody
else. I've burned more passports
than some nations ever issue.
I don't know where home is,
because I don't know where my
heart is. Hell, I don't even know
who's heart I'm supposed to have
right now. Is it the German auto-worker?
The Canadian teacher? The Spanish
doctor? I've been so many people,
I've forgotten my secret identity. I can't
even call my memories my own,
because they belong to my other faces,
my other states of being. My life is
full of experiences that I can never
claim on any resume. And there's no
retirement benefits in this line of work.
The only thing to look forward to is
the bullet that ends my career."

exercising futility

This doom no longer impending
last moments we are now spending
cradling love and hopelessness
with equal gracelessness

Forcing mortality into our faces
with the subtlety of swinging maces
and crushing our illusions of death
with the swiftness of a final breath

Children cry and women weep
while men stand tall and try to keep
emotions in check and a face of granite
while reality pounds and eventually cracks it

The floods rush in
The end begins
and there's no one here able to stop it.

Fiat Lux

The strength of the moment
is almost too much
for the strength of my insecurity.

The moon bleeds its
silver light upon us,
ever beckoning,
ever welcoming,
the expression of truth
that wells up inside
but somehow never escapes
from my heart.

the other coin of the same side

If a woman wants you, and you're like me, you probably won't know it till it's [almost] too late.

If she doesn't, you'll know it in a GD hurry.

Don't make excuses for her either.

There's only enough blood in the male body to think
with one head at a time. Use the one on your neck
first.

Change is inevitable; it's how things work. Don't be
afraid of it.

The faster you drive, the bigger the wreck when you
lose control.

She is not the be-all, end-all of your existence. Just
because you're together now, doesn't mean you have to
stop being who you were. In fact, that's probably the biggest
reason she's with you in the first place.

Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Resolve your conflicts sooner, rather than later; it'll
be better in the long run.

If you think she's using you, she probably is.

If you ever have the thought "Things will get better",
ask yourself, "When did things get so bad that I had to
say that?" The answer to that question can say a lot
about the relationship you're in, and where it's going.

Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
Learn from everyone's mistakes.

If there's kids, there's another man involved
somewhere. Make sure it's not going to be an issue.
If it is, re-evaluate.

You can have your guy's nights; let her have her girl's
nights.

Never cross a boundary that she hasn't crossed first,
and never let her cross one of yours that you haven't.

Talking with her won't kill you; in fact, it may just
save your sorry ass.

NEVER put her on a pedestal. She's only human, after
all.

Let it go.

Not all women are bitches.

Don't worry about finding the Right One right away.

It's not always a bad thing to not hear from her all
the time. Remember, she's probably missing you, too.

Remember, [(your age)/2 + 9] = minimum age requirement, and if she's not 18, she's 12.

Never move into her mother's house. Or her father's.

If you can't give her what she needs, then you need to
move on.

There's nothing wrong with compromise. There is
something wrong with appeasement - remember WWII?

Don't expect anything more out of the relationship than
what you are willing to put into it.

Never, EVER, hit her. EVER.

moment... um...

The perfect time awaits
I'm on the edge of my seat,
the balls of my feet,
ready to take it as it comes.

But wait -
Have I already missed it?
How do I know that this is it?
I've waited so long, I don't know
what I'm looking for anymore.

You can spend your whole life
waiting for that one perfect moment
to come and drop itself into your lap,
or you can take one of the ordinary moments
of your life and make it something special,
something extraordinary,
perfect.
There's a time for waiting.
There's a time for doing.
What time is it now?

There goes my wondering, wandering mind again...

ha-HA!

I'm in the middle of having what is probably the most fun I've ever had researching a project for my class. I'm also working on some new writing, so this weekend's been a lot of fun. Plus, the Steelers and Seahawks both won their games, so my Superbowl picks came through! Anyways, this research I'm doing has to do with figuring out how to use video games in Social Studies Education. YESS!!! ha-HA! And yes, I did get to pick the topic myself. So I've been playing a lot of Rise of Nations, Civ III, Command & Conquer: Generals, and AoE II these past few days. Man, I haven't played this much in forever! It's just like 1st year! I love it!

anyways, new stuff coming soon; maybe I'll treat you to more Photoshop creations as well.

As per your requests...

Poem for Grace:

A bastion of truth
in a shrinking universe of lies
not afraid to tell it like it is
a not-so-subtle blessing in disguise

strong of will and mind
yet human to the core
one of a few of a kind
of which the world needs more.

******************************

Poem for the Outlaw:

[in Pitt's voice]

Angelic in grace and beauty,
even your remembrance strikes and moves me.
Your words, when they escape from your mouth
entangle and enshroud me.
Though I may be far from your arms
with only dreams to think of,
when duty binds me and keeps me,
I am set free by your love.

now make me a sandwich!

Have A Bad Day

[/end voice]

Dreamscape

Things to Note:

1) This blog is where I vent

2) My writing is what keeps me from taking a shotgun and cleaning house.

3) If you know/knew me in the "real world" (aka: outside of this blog), don't be surprised to see what you see here. I can only listen to so much crap without having to open the spill-gates to ease the pressure.

4) Sometimes, when you think "maybe it's me", it's not. But then again, sometimes it is.

5) Evaluate your sources.

6) Nice guys don't always finish last. Sometimes they don't even make it to the starting line.

7) In what language does "I'm busy, can't talk right now" mean "I really want to have a 3 hour conversation about nothing"?

8) Yes, I expect things from people. Get over it. I figure it's only fair, since I tend to become their listening post.

9) I have priorities. You may not be one of them. Deal with it.

10) Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm desperate. Quit hounding me.

11) If you have a question, ASK THE DAMN THING!!! Don't assume!!

12) It's not that hard to figure out if I find you interesting.

13) If you don't know, bloody well admit it! Don't pretend you do, cuz you just come off as an ass!

14) Keep It Simple, Stupid.

blindsided

"I am the reason they look over
their shoulders. I am the reason
they don't sleep at night. I am the
sword of Damocles, hanging over
their head from the lightest of threads.
I am the cause of the Gordian Knot in
the pit of their stomach. I am the thing
under their bed, the monster in the
closet, that which goes bump in the night.
I am Fear incarnate.
I am the reason they call in sick,
but show up anyway. I am the cause
of tapping fingers,
darting eyes,
nervous laughter,
bouncing knees.
But you'd never guess it if you saw me,
which you never will.
And that's the point."

Janus

I am a citizen of Canada.
I will put the social good before my own,
unless that right infringes upon someone
else's right to put themselves before society.
Then I'll take my case before the Supreme Court,
where the judge will agree with me,
and rule against me,
because it's okay in this society for those
in power to step on my individual rights
in order to do what's good for Society.

F- it, I just wanna leave.

maybe... just maybe....

This is one
fractured vortex
of my mind,
fragments of heaven
shining through red
madness and strife.
They've tried to
bring me back
into the light,
but my life
is better alone,
living in
my shadow zone.