Bad Movies

Let's get together
just you and me
and spend the night
watching bad movies.
Laughing at bad acting
groaning cuz they're so corny
just you and me
and a bunch of bad movies.

Old Bandages

A heart, left bleeding in the wake of betrayal - partially mended by the healer called Time, loosely wrapped in old bandages desperately in need of changing, scabs continually ripping open and bleeding anew - cries out to be healed, mended forever, cared for and loved by one as if it were their own, to be held like a precious stone, to finally be whole.

(wrote this a while back, finally got around to posting it)

Bedtime Story

I am lying in bed, staring at a three-quarter-moon, imagining the sandman playing peek-a-boo from the dark quarter.

He tosses a few grains of sand my way, just enough to lower my eyelids a shade, but then the pain flares and I'm awake again.

I shake my fist at the sandman, turn away from the window, and stare at the shadows of my room.

The bogeyman peeks out of the closet, and waves hello to the monster-under-the-bed. I give them both the stink-eye, and they shrink away.

I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. The stipple starts swirling, shadows shaping themselves into faces and such.

I imagine interesting interchanges between shadowy faces. I smile, just a small smile, and they fade away.

With my attention diverted, the sandman sidles up, out of my view, and doses me with potency.

The pain fades with my consciousness. My imagination falls with my eyelids, slipping into a world of infinites and possibilities, readily accepting the world of "Dream."

I wish I could say I don't miss you

I wish I could say I don't miss you
That the sight of you doesn't wreck me
That hearing your voice doesn't break me

I wish I could say I don't miss you
That I don't catch your scent on
The merest hint of a breeze
And get swallowed up in memories

I wish I could say I don't miss you
That I don't wish for those days
That they're beginning to fade
Into a rose-coloured haze

I wish I could say I don't miss you

But I do

A rollercoaster week

This week has been one of victory and defeat. High joy and bitter
disappointment. It's gone from smiles to frowns, laughter to almost-
tears. In other words, it's been a rollercoaster of a week.

So then, why am I writing? This is nothing new. These types of weeks
have come before, and they'll come again. It's Life. So what's
different about this one?

Well, I like to think I'm normally a pretty happy person. I'm a look
on the bright side, see the silver linings, glass half-full kinda guy.

But for some reason, this week is crushing me.

Physically, I'm beat up. Every morning I wake with new pains.
Everything from my neck to my ankles, wracked with pain. I pray for
the strength to grit through the pain, at least until I can crookedly
hobble to shower, where the hot water helps loosen tight muscles and
joints just enough for me to towel off and dress. And once I get
moving, I can't stop, or else my body seizes up.

Mentally, I'm stubborn as an ox. But if you whip an ox enough, it'll
move. And that's what's happening. My mental capacities are being
broken down, and reserves are low. Things that are out of my control,
that I can normally just shrug off with an "oh well, what can ya do?"-
type mentality, things like schedules changing, or having to break
plans, or even getting stuck in traffic, these things are really
eating at me this week. My mental discipline is cracking, and my
temper is being exposed (along with a flood of other emotions). You
might have never seen my real temper go odd, but please, take my word
for it, it's a scary beast that once woken, is very hard to put back
to sleep. I have built this wall of discipline around for very good
reasons.

Spiritually - this is where I'm feeling strongest. But I only say this
because it's my spirit, imbued with God's strength and resiliency,
that's keeping me going. My spirit is what rolls me out of bed in the
morning, and keeps me from going completely bonkers during the day.

And this is where I need you to come in.

I need you to pray for me. Pray for protection, because as I am being
weakened, the Enemy is attacking. Pray for strength, for my spirit to
withstand the pressing attacks. Pray for healing, that my body and
mind are restored. Pray for wisdom, to guide me along.

I am weak.

This is very hard for me to admit. Please allow the fact that I have
made this admission to press home the reality of this message.

In weakness, pain, and supplication,

-->Ryan

EAVB_TSXVHRSYPQ

Dust

--more unfinished stuff--

My bitterness and shame turn into dust
And get swept away by your grace and your love

Memory Serves

--this ain't finished yet, but I'm posting anyway--

Wishing life to be
As good as memory serves
Wasting time to see
What could've been
Maybe should've been
Instead of living life to be
Better than memory serves

[tbc...]

Mind's Eyes (pt I)

When I was a child,
I would ask God for wings,
Thinking if only I could fly,
I wouldn't be afraid anymore.

So God opened my mind's eyes,
And they've taken me places where
Even wings fail to reach.
And when I fall,
I have only to dream,
And I'm soaring again.

You Are Here

Let the fires of heaven burn in this place
See the spirit of God touching each face
Oh God, you are here....

Let the fires of heaven burn in this place
Kindling our passion, fueling our faith
Oh God, you are here...

Let the fires of heaven burn in this place
Sing the song of redemption that sprung from the grave
Oh God, you are here...

Let the fires of heaven burn in this place
Sing glory and honour, lifting a song praise
Oh God, you are here...

Let the fires of heaven burst from this place
Igniting lives in Jesus' name
Oh God, you are here....

Losing Control

Holding on isn't a problem
It's letting go that's hard
Losing my grip on my self,
On my heart,
Is easier to preach
Than to do

It's time to let go
Of routine and control
Let the reins fall from my hands
Let's see where we land

Now I'm losing control of my heart
And it's crazy and scary and finally free
And I can't stop it...
Not that I want to

Love Metaphors (pt II)

Love Metaphors (pt II)

I read once that love is a rushing wind
That carries one off to new and exciting places
Where adventures await and so does
Happily Ever After.
Well, you know what else comes with a rushing wind?
A tornado. And it leaves a swath of wreckage
Through cornfields and trailer parks
And lifts young girls to fantasy places
Where lions talk and tin men walk.
But then they click their heels
And find themselves at home,
Wondering if maybe it would've been better
To have just stayed in Oz.

**some people have asked why my view on Love seems so cynical. It's
not. This series of posts is just a commentary on metaphors used to
describe Love, and not Love itself. I actually hold a very Romantic
view on Love, which I reckon one can see through any other posts on
the subject.**

Love Metaphors (pt I)

Love Metaphors (pt I)

I've heard it said that
Love is an ocean
Vast and deep and worth exploring
And it's true,
Love is an ocean worth sailing upon
But don't forget the temperamental side
That tosses and roils and smashes in on itself
From seemingly nowhere, without reason
Be smart with your cargo
And batten your hatches
Or it might all get swept overboard
And you along with it

Scabs

To say my heart has scars
Is only partly true.
While yes, there are old wounds
That have healed over
And sealed shut,
There are others
That are merely scabbed over
That bleed anew with the
Slightest of jarring.
So yes, I have scars.
But it's the scabs that
Cause me worry.

An Outstretched Hand

An Outstretched Hand

Freely given
Rarely received
Love awaits like an outstretched hand
Floating in the air
Ready to be held
Forever by your own

Choose joy

Choose joy

I'm finding it difficult to choose joy today
Instead I'm focusing on the black inside
I'm feeling the weight of my world-weary Self
Pressing down on the shoulders of my spirit
I love to bring joy to people's lives
But today,
I need someone to bring joy into mine
Because even though I know it's already there
I'm struggling to embrace it

such love, so true

my eyes weep with joy
knowing you sent your boy
to cover death's due -
such love, so true

my spirit smiles to know you call me "son"
my soul sings to hear you call me "friend"
my heart is filled with your love
such love, so true

Smurf You

Smurf You

Holding on to joy
Letting go of pride
Forging bonds
Reinforcing ties
Looking forward
Letting go
Letting go
Letting go...

Grasping grace
Loving life
Living love

It's all freakin' hard sometimes.

But I smurfin' smurf you, you smurf, you.

Crapsticks

This place is an emotional outlet, and emotional responses are one of the hazards of maintaining it. That said, I did not, in any way, mean to upset, offend, or otherwise hurt anyone with my last post, and I offer profuse apologies to anyone who was.

Frig. Dig up, Ryan. Or better yet, put the shovel away...

Sunday was a Failure

Sunday was a Failure

For those who asked - I finally pegged the cause for calling this past
Sunday a crappy day. It's because so much of it was a capital-F
Failure, and I let it drag me down. And to top it off, a friend and I
had made plans to make our friend-gathering an "intentional night,"
where we bring up deeper discussion in order to foster growth and
maturation in our relationships with each other. But we let the night
get railroaded into another shallow, basically meaningless fun-night.
The worst part of it all is that I've heard more than just a couple of
us express the desire to go deeper, be more intentional, but no one
there seemed even remotely interested. Frustrating, to say the least.
Add it all up, and it's a big fat Failure.

There it is. Am I over it? Well, almost. I'm working on it, which is a
start. But hey, at least I'm writing again...

Some recent thoughts...

Some recent thoughts...

I was going through some older writings, and found myself wishing I
could feel like that again. What does that say about my spiritual
state? About my focus? What has happened in the last 2 months that has
brought me from such a fantastic high point to this valley bordering
dispair? What has changed?

The only answer is "me". I've changed. But I don't recognize how. I
feel like the same person I was so many weeks ago. Whatever has
happened to me has to have been a subtle shift, a slight change, or
else I am completely blind to myself and might need an evaluation. I
don't know. But hey, if you do, tell me. I'll even enable anonymous
commenting for you.

Always

Here I lay with body battered, spirit shattered, and heart exhausted.  Weeks and months of believing I'm ridding the world of malevolent giants have revealed themselves to be nothing but tilting at windmills.  My eyes have scaled over again; it is hard to see the blessings in this world anymore.  

The wind stirs over me; its coolness brings faint reminders of what I've known... a whisper of memory, a yesterday so long ago.  It brings the call of a name... is it mine?  My reply is but a hoarse whisper passing from a parched throat through cracked lips.  Again the breeze caresses my face...

No- it's not the wind.  A rasp of skin on the stubble of my cheek and my eyelids crack open a sliver.  A piercing silver light stabs at them, then fades into a softer, whiter aura of peace.  I see a face above mine, a familiar shadow radiating love and grace.  

It speaks softly, clearly - "Rest, my son..."

I croak back - "You're here..."

He smiles, and says - "Always."

Love

Love

On the darkest of winter's nights
Your smile lights up my world
Like the full silver moon

On the greyest of winter's days
Your laugh brightens my mood
Like the newest spring blooms

Blizzards come, tempests rage
The earth revolts, yet you remain

My earnest foundation
My strength and resolve
My perfect companion

Love

A Tangent; or, Forget Fading

A Tangent; or, Forget Fading

Forget fading into memory
Memories fade themselves
Blast yourself into History
Launch yourself into the Legendary

A Question; or, Big-Top Insanity

A Question; or, Big-Top Insanity

Is it okay to be nervous
To reveal your humanity
Show you're not impervious
To this big-top insanity
Where the world can see
With Technicolor clarity
That the person you are
Is the one they don't want you to be?

Let it rage

Bring me back into You
Let me never forget the feeling
Of the smile of Your blessing on me
Let me never get used to the wonder You stir
Never let me become complacent in Your glory
Stoke the fire of my love
Let it rage

Davidian Heart

Davidian Heart

Nurture in me a Davidian heart
that pursues you with all parts
equally devoted to You whose art
is the fabric of nature.

Make me a man in whom You are pleased
refined by passages of toil and unease
granted by The Blood a full release
from the weight of my despair.

Rain Your blessings upon my soul
forever saved, remade whole
by the grace that lovingly flows
from He who has risen.

In time of glory or times of strife
through all that happens in this life
may all that's in me ever strive
to bring praises to You.

27 and Counting

Me: "Hey God, y'know what would be great?"

God: "Well, yes, I do. But why don't you tell me anyway?"

Me: "It'd be great if I could get a new place to live, and a new job,
all by my birthday. Think we can work something out?"

God: "Hmm, I think that's do-able. Anything else in mind?"

Me: "Well, yeah, kinda, but let's just work on these 2 for right now,
'kay?"

God: " 'kay."

And so I find myself here, on my birthday, getting ready to move into a new place, and having just accepted a position with a new employer.

Times are a-changing, but you won't hear me complaining.

Barely a fool

A start -

The pain of my heart
Laid bare in my face
I bring it to you
And ask for your grace

Lead me back home
Away from this fear
Forever, oh Lord,
Keep holding me near

Where you take me from here
I have no clue
For compared to your wisdom
Lord, I am barely a fool

Openness

Openness

For those who have noticed a change in what I've been posting lately
(if you exist), there is a reason behind it. I have decided to fully
commit myself to experiencing all that God has planned for me. I have
always been a spiritual person, but it's really only in the last
couple of years that I have decide to truly explore these things, and
now I find myself throwing everything I am into living a life more
devoted to God. I have received so many blessings, so much love and
guidance and supernatural intercession since making this decision that
it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever to turn back. God is
real, He is in charge, and now, publically in the most open forum I
know, I make my stand and say, "Everything I have, everything I am,
everything I will be, is Yours God. Take me, break me, heal me, love
me. Open the floodgates of Heaven and rain Your glory on me. Fill me
to overflowing with Your Spirit. Amen."

Isaiah 64:1 "Oh that you would burst from the heavens and come down!
The mountains would quake at your presence!"

1 Corinthians 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has
imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him."

Mark 5:36 "Don't be afraid. Just have faith."

Love Poetry

Love Poetry

So much You've done for me
Healed me, raised me up,
Poured out so much grace
And love overwhelming

I turn to what I know best
To try bring thanks,
But You've filled me so full
This love is hard to express

Everything I have
Is because of You
And so everything I am
I bring back to You

To a Love so amazing,
A love so perfect,
A Love so divine.

Your love brings kings to their knees
Your love brings freedom to slaves
Your love unshackles prisoners
This love You've shared with me

How do I possibly say how much,
How perfectly,
How firmly Your love has shaken me?

How do I tell You how honestly,
How deeply,
How fiercely I love You?

Because I do.