Splitsville, baby

This passion born of lustful pride
like the rest before has burned and died
to leave a shallow, hollow husk
of crumbling will and shattered trust
now loathe to follow through the vow
once sworn in faith with sweat on brow
turn to law and law divides
lost dignity and then decides
it's half for each should the Lady smile
too often less, leaving spirits vile
false Christmases filled with repressed spite
leading toward yet another fight
repetition persisting through
as time grows on and cycles new

The Grey

The key to expression is hidden
deep in the grey recesses of memory
where it is nervously flitting back and forth
cowering between and behind others of its kind
memories that serve as both guides and distractions
weaving an intricate labyrinth of false opportunity
resulting in hair-tearing frustration and a
profound feeling of utter uselessness
until one moment the key missteps
you grasp it with desperate fingers
pulling it into full remembrance
and molding it to fit the space
reserved for that one last
perfect word.

Well, hey.

At least the Red Sox came through.

Reciprocation, at last.

I'm in a bad mood

and it shows.

I'm tired of jack-assery. There is so much more that can be taken from life without someone (me included) playing the part of the fool. I'm tired of coming home and tripping over shoes. I know, it's such a menopausal thing to get pissed over, but for a guy with a bum leg, it can cause some consternation. Especially when there's acres of space in front of the closet. I'm also tired of political correctness. Sure, there's a big fancy name for everything now, but a bum is still a bum, they still beg for your change with a lit cigarette burning between the fingers of their outstretched hand.

I'm tired of the Oilers losing because the guys in suits make stupid decisions.

I'm tired of my beard. Go Red Sox.

I'm tired of being sick, and sick of being tired, and soooooo done with hurting it's not even funny. But apparently it's gonna be this way for the next thousand and some years, or until I get tired of living, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Frick.

I'm tired of being the one who has to think up fancy words. I have a minor in English Language Arts; that means I understand how to use the language to the fullest. That doesn't mean I always do.

I'm tired of 'friends' and 'family' that take and take and take and make a person feel like such downright garbage that they just want to find a gutter and lay there for a while.

I'm tired of not teaching. I want to teach. My goal is to have 1 person figure out this "Common Sense" thing before I die. So far, I'm batting .000 .

I'm tired of not being able to say what needs to be said. Hell yes I can write it, and I can make it sound like it's the Word of Heaven if I want to, but actually saying it.... not so much.

I'm tired of being single. But not too tired that I'm going to go out there and latch onto the first broad that crosses my path. I'll never be that tired.

I'm tired of writing.

A dream

I was in a small town in Italy, walking down the street with a good friend of mine, we were just talking about random things, looking at the houses as we passed... Out of nowhere I looked at her and said "Hey, wanna go on a date some time?" She looked at me, a ghost of a smile on her lips, and a look in her eyes that can't be described. "I had to say it, get it off my chest, so maybe I could get a bit of sleep one of these nights." As we kept walking, she took my hand in hers and led me to a small house where we could hear some old music playing; we went inside and just started dancing (a Foxtrot, of all dances). Time stood still in that moment, amd it seemed as if everything were dancing to the rhythm of a Foxtrot - the music, Us, the villagers outside... it was beautiful.


*** *** *** *** ***

I don't have beautiful dreams that often (or I don't remember them). I'm very happy I had this one.

Stall

I'm falling into that pit of despair
and the only way I know how to deal with it
effectively
is to write
But I keep stalling
waiting
finding ways to procrastinate
maybe they'll come back in time
and I can put my mask back on
and fake my way through
without ever dealing with you
my demon

Scraps

the new wave of death rises and fall with a pointless devotion to an endless vagarity

brother versus brother versus the Father's will plays on the news while the spaghetti boils

keepers of secrets are just those who lack the fortitude to accept consequence

the air is foul with the stench of complacency

this is the name for our newfound insanity

the link between the past and the future is being take for granted

silence abandons all hope

the life of a revolution is too dependent on the lives of the people involved

turn a cheek, get another slap

this path is not hard to follow -
how hard can it be to wrap your head around Straight?
how hard is it to understand Narrow?

cease your existence - LIVE

truth hits like a shotgun blast to the face, flaying the layers of lies and masks to reveal the pulsing and ugly structure underneath

the words "I don't know" should infuriate you by now; so why am I not hearing anything?

so be it.

Forget body language and hints, just say it already

Grin on your face
bounce in your step
sparkling eyes
as you pick up the check

she rolls her eyes
behind your back
makes mental notes
of the things that you lack

dude...
she's just not into you

you call all the time
"leave a message" again
exactly what you do,
over and again

she calls you back once
"yeah I'm busy this week"
probably crazy at work,
is what you think.

dude...
she just not into you

So Long

The soundtrack for that night was the slam of a car door, closely followed by ignition and the fading sounds of motion. After that, silence, broken only by the hum of a street lamp.

I felt every second of the next morning. The afternoon weighed so heavily on my shoulders that my manager sent me home early. The evening gave a moment's respite: a fleeting glimpse of the other side as the home team won. The night was spent watching the ceiling fan rotate, wondering I would do if it fell. Probably nothing. I felt so numb that the prospect of having an appliance fall on my manhood elicited nothing more than... well, nothing.

You can only ignore things for so long before you lose them forever.

Either that, or they blow up in your face.

That would've been preferable.

At least then I'd know where we stand.

Randomizer - Engage!

I just realized I've been doing this for over 2 years now... I thought dudes were supposed to be afraid of commitment?

***********************************************

My little brother (little? well, he's wiry... and shorter than me... yeah, little) is into barefoot running now. Apparently it's gaining quite a following; supposed to improve technique, prevent injury, blah blah blah.... I've been going barefoot since I was knee-high to a short horse, and I could care about my running technique - it's all about comfort.

I hereby initiate a protest against socks! If you don't have to wear them, DON'T! (Christine, make sure the kids know! It's never too early to start!)

***********************************************

I've joined Facebook. Why? I dunno... well, I do know. I was sick for 2 weeks with some crappy mc-crapperson infection in my lungs and sinuses, so I got bored. But that's no excuse; it's not even a reason. Why am I saying this? Cuz it's random....

***********************************************

It's really really ridiculously hot in my apartment. 11th floor, middle of downtown, no ac, no blinds. Swell...

***********************************************

I'm still single. Have been for all but about a year of my life (combined total). Why? It's easier this way. Also, waaaayyy cheaper.... I'd like to get married, have kids, all that jazz, but I left home first, so I figure my brother should get married first. Which probably means I'll be single for quite some time yet.... (that's right, I went there!)

***********************************************

It got really dark really fast just now... it's definitely gonna rain. Hopefully a thunderstorm. I likes the thunder, and the lightning. So cool....

***********************************************

Even Jesus Cried

Footsteps, followed by an "Are you okay?"

He looked up, "Oh yeah, everything is just beautiful!"

She was a little taken aback by the sudden onslaught of sarcasm. "Oh, uh, okay then."

He put his face back in his hands, certain she would walk on.

"It's just not every day one sees a grown man sitting on a park bench crying."

"Really? One would think a person like you might've encountered it more than once in her lifetime."

Assaulted again with the scathing sarcasm, she decided to take the offensive.

"Listen buddy, I'm out here walking along, all of a sudden here you are crying, I offer compassion and all you can do it bark at me? What kind of person are you?"

Caught with his guard down, he puts his hands over his face again.

"Apparently a real shit-heel."

Compassion restored, she sat beside him.

"Why?"

He looked at her and cocked an eyebrow.

"I don't think you really want to listen."

She just looked at him; he looked away.

"Fine. The week started off terribly, with some of my supposed 'friends' apparently angry with me, then work was not exactly the be- oh come on, you really want to hear this?"

Now she cocked an eyebrow.

"You've already started; might as well finish."

He sighed.

"Fair enough. So work wasn't all that great, although it did pick up as the week went on (pretty much the only bright spot of it all). Then things started to look up, when all of a sudden I get asked questions like, 'Are you going to this event', 'why are you here and not with your friends'... those type of things. So I check my phone, because I sometimes get busy and engrossed and miss calls, or forget to turn up the ringer after work, but nope! No calls. Nothing. Shunned by the very people I thought were my friends. Add to that I'm still new to the city, have no way to get around other than my feet, unless I rely on a 'friend', and you have a pretty handy recipe for despair."

She nodded.

"I can see how you might think that way. But why are you letting it get you so down?"

His body shuddered, and his shoulders sank.

"I'm only human. I can only bear so much. There is so much more that I've left out, that I can't tell you because I don't know you and because I fear its simplicity and it's foolishness. It weighs so heavily on my shoulders; add to my masochistic penchant for being a listening and leaning post for people, and you can see why. There are so many emotions swirling around in my head, in my heart, in my soul... and right now they're feeding this demon Despair, the fattest one of them all."

She thought for a silent moment.

"That's very interesting, the way you word it. 'The fattest one'. Why would you say that?"

He grinned a little, not out of amusement, but because there was simply no other expression to be made.

"That's easy. Of all the World's troubles, of all its sins, the only one that could make Jesus cry was Despair. We have evidence for all of his ordeals - the 'trials', the beatings, the actual crucifixion - Jesus took them all remarkably well. But it was when His Father had to hide His face, turn His back on Jesus, and let Him die... it was when Jesus realized that His friends had left him, His Father had forsaken him.... it was then that He cried."

13 degrees and cloudy

view the star as it burns out
scorch your eyes so you can't cry about
the pain and suffering you're enduring
because God knows it completely unnerving
witnessing the end of it all
realizing the sky's about to fall
thinking of the people you need to call
but only able to work the pistol
the sweat disgusts you
it's completely soaked through
you ache for a cooling breeze
(it's only 13 degrees, and cloudy)
drink a toast before you die
so you can say " 'twas I"
when asked by the On-High

But

If you go around apologizing for every imperfection, when will you have the breath to sing?

If you ask forgiveness for every slight and comment, how you gonna praise the worthy?

If you try to hide the black and disgusting,
If you waste your time with backtracks and prostrating,
If you spend your life begging on your knees,
How far do you think it's gonna get?

A Reflection, Pt. IV

"It took me decades
to find that one good part
of me, the one that makes
all the crap I've done worth it.

And I killed it.

I took its beautiful face in my hands,
kissed it gently goodbye,
and sent it to whatever comes next.

Why would I do that?"

How could I answer that?

"I knew her for a grand total of 3 minutes.
3 minutes, Padre.
Not even long enough for a smoke, but
long enough to learn her name,
have that talk, and kill her."

Silence then, the kind of silence that only comes from condemned men. I waited.

"Death, I understand. Killing, I understand.
But that's complete. Total. Not pieces of something.
When I kill someone, there's nothing left.
Just like I know when they put that needle in my arm,
there'll be nothing left. That doesn't mean anything to me;
it's how things are. Live, work, die."

That's when it started to come together for me. How he was captured; the trial; the look on his face when he was sentenced. It wasn't a look of silent fear that came over him; it was a look of silent relief. He had wanted to be caught; he had wanted the death penalty. There was nothing that the world could do to him that was in any way worse than what he had done to himself.

"For the first time in a long time, I feel glad - no,
happy about something. I'm actually happy."

Interesting. "How so?"

"I'm happy this is finally over."

Just as I was about to speak, he stood up; the warden and guards were at the door, waiting to take him down his final path.

"Don't worry, Padre, me and her will give ol' Lucy a helluva time for ya. Ha! 'Helluva time'... that's a good joke, boys, you should write that one down..."

One Month Apart

I am floating
lost out at sea
an ocean of emptiness
surrounding me
I feel so lost
out of control
Lord I need help
I feel so alone

I am helpless
I am weak
I am bitter
so I weep
Into your hands
I place my spirit
wounded and tired
of having to bear it
alone and so far
I haven't a clue
how to go on
apart from you

this might've been posted once before, but I don't really care

there is someone watching
there is someone listening
who knows it all

there is someone waiting
there is someone guarding
to catch you when you fall


a shadow in the dark
a shimmer in the light
looking over your shoulder
not seeing, but feeling

a presence unknown
benign, you hope,
malign, you fear,
it's never shown

going no further,
until it's all over,
then you see
you should've been looking forward,
not over your shoulder


there is someone crying
there is someone holding
you when all crashes down

there is someone laughing
there is someone smiling
when you reach your crown

..heh...

The randomness I happen to see
Watching people over the week

The guy who tries to look cool
and attempts to hock a loog
but gets more on himself than
on the ground
and quickly looks to see if
anyone's around....

A man and a woman on a blind date:
"I'm Rosemary, hi."
"I'm Basil, after you..."
And you might think otherwise,
but the rest was pretty bland and sedate...

A student of the bus gets up for a senior,
bumps into the man in the aisle
who slides into the seat just before
the old man gets there...

The guy you meet on the street,
it's snowing, blowing and cold,
he's shivering in a thin sweater
because he just gave his coat away.

He asks you for some change for a coffee,
and you'd give it to him, this time, anyway,
but you just used it for bus fare...

The little girl crying because
they just traded her hockey hero
away... she says she'll never
wear his number on her jersey no more,
to which her daddy says,

It's not his fault; he wanted to stay;
he wanted to play, especially for kids like you...

even though her daddy's feeling the same way as she...

the same way as me...

What makes you think you can do what you do? Eat more pills buddy, you're fading fast. You bitch and moan about how your life sucks because you have no friends. Well no shit. If you took some time off work once or twice a week, called someone you knew, you might make a friend or two. But only for a short while, because you're so fricken anal you'll end up trying to "improve" them, have them "take control of their life", because it's not going according to the plan YOU think it should be. You don't want friends. You don't want a room mate. You don't want a girlfriend. You want a fucking robot, something that will take your commands and immediately alter its programming to follow your fucking "suggestions". "I wonder about what's going on in your life"? What's going on in YOURs, fuck-skull? Oh yeah, NOTHING, because you're ALWAYS FUCKING WORKING. It doesn't piss me off that you're gone all the time; what pisses me off is that YOU CHOOSE that way of life, then WONDER WHY YOU'RE SO LONELY!!! FUCK! Take a step back, buddy! Look at what you're doing! You have NO TIME for other people! And you wonder why you're so horny!!

FUCK!

And then you cancel your fucking newspaper subscription, and then blame ME for stealing your paper? I DON'T EVEN READ THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER!!!!

But you'd know that if you were ever around.

Then after you flip out and falsely accuse me of random things, accuse my parents (??!?) of being bad parents (projecting much?), and be an all-around fuck-nut screwball, you come meekly back and ask for forgiveness and say how much you're sorry and how can it be repaid.... IT CAN'T. Get over it.

God's calling you to be a leader?? Leaders need to be humble. You are not humble. You may think you're humble, but that's just another one of your delusions.

I won't be a scapegoat for your vices. I refuse to take the blame for your inadequacies. You're an adult now; time to act like one.

God, give me strength to endure this month.... God, give me strength to endure this week... God, give me strength to endure the rest of today...

what??!?

I watched the beginning of the All-Star game yesterday.

Wayne Newton = shat.

Not "THE shat." Just plain shat.

Dissection time!

1: His face

The dude has a plastic face! He could hardly move his mouth in time with the words! And that plasticine smile is enough to inspire nightmares! [!!!shudder!!!] This brings me to

2: His singing

Why do people think he's such a good singer? I can't see... mostly because HE WASN'T SINGING! He was merely moving his over-bloated smile in time with the words! I wasn't sure at first, but the "grand finale" clinched it --> the words went "Yeah!" ~ a beat and a 1/2 before he did...

3: His instrumentalism

I may have just invented the word, but regardless, it was ridiculous. Worse than Colin Mochrie (sp? who cares...) as the Snack Fairy. Well, I actually think that's funny, but funny "ha ha", not funny "what the hell is he trying to do?", which is what Newton's instrumentalism was. I don't think his guitar even had strings on it! Listen dude, if you're gonna air-guitar, at least move your left hand. Holding it in one position while flailing around with the right just looks dumb. And don't ever pick up a fiddle again. Disgraceful.

4: His face (yes, again!)

Look, Wayne(ker), if they can put it in you, they can take it out. Get them to take out 2/3 of the crap you've had injected in your cheeks, and at least you'll lose the "chipmunk-hoarding-for-the-winter" look. It just makes you look like a fool. I know you're supposed to be an entertainer, but the only thing I found entertaining about the opening ceremonies was the announcer's name embellishment.

***************************************************************************

Well, that was messy. Time to clean up and go play hockey.

P/R

-->With freedom comes responsibility; with rights come responsibilities; with experience come responsibility (anyone else see a pattern here?)

-->Success is mere perspective

-->"I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom." - Bob Dylan

-->Failure is based on conjecture

-->With independence comes responsibility. With citizenship comes responsibility. With power comes responsibility (how about now?)

--> Happiness can be purchased

--> Responsibility is an extension of a very old concept - honour. Back in the day, it was your responsibility to uphold your honour, your family's honour, your woman's honour... These days we remember the responsibility part, but it seems we've left the honour part (the most important part) in the dust of ages past

-->Contentment comes from within

--> With action comes responsibility. With delegation comes responsibility. With emotion comes responsibility. With marriage, with birth, with position...[ad inf.] comes responsibility (see it yet?)

For those who care...

twitch

over there

Anxiety forms concerning the scarcity of dreams
Burning knowledge of what awaits
Sets one on edge, keeps him awake,
Anything now to not hear the screams

Souls lost from love's light
not yet gone and never forgotten
linger and torment the one
betrodden,
beriddled by guilt over
so much blood spilt

Truth vs Want

The Greater Good is delivered and reviewed in the sanctity of dreams, revealed in visions, some may say delusions, but those who would are those who are threatened, or perceive an immediacy of threat -- they are the status quo, and therefore the "obvious" targets beyond which the truth is hidden and only precision of mind and celerity of action can bring it forth.

Truth does not obfuscate. We are being trained not to see it.

"Those that hunt for the truth are destined to find it." I disagree, Nigel. They are less likely to find it -- "it" being the complete, unabashed, unabridged, unadulterated truth. Oh, of course they'll always find something; I bring to light a recent experience of hunting for car keys and finding change enough for bus fare. What I found will still get me somewhere, but it wasn't what I was looking for. What truth-seekers find is all-too-often the merest fragment of truth surrounded by enough candy-coated plausibility to make it seem whole, and therefore fool the seeker into settling for a couple of doubloons and a rusty cutlass when there's an overflowing chest of riches mere feet away.

Just beware that the treasure-hole being dug doesn't turn out to be a grave. Shore up the walls of the tunnel, or else come prepared for your funeral.

You can't con a con

On 1/14/07, Mrs. Harley Cowell wrote:

The National Lottery
P O Box 1010
Liverpool, L70 1NL UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/05/ZY369
www.lottery.co.uk
http://lottery.co.uk/res/

Dear Lucky Winner,

We are pleased to notify you the draw (999) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY,
Online Sweepstakes International Lottery Program held on Wednesday 3
January 2007.

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from
a pool of over 25,000 names of distinguished professionals drawn from
Europe, America, Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Middle-East, parts of
Africa, and North & South America as part of our international promotions
programme conducted annually to encourage prospective overseas entries.
We hope with part of your prize awards, you will take part in our
subsequent lottery jackpots.

The result of our computer draw (#978) selected your name and email
address attached to e-ticket number: 56475600545 188 with Serial number
5368/02 drew the lucky numbers: 04, 06, 30, 36, 43, 44, (20 Bonus Ball),
which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category i.e. match 5
plus bonus. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of
£1,200,000 (ONE MILLION AND TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) in
cash credited to file KTU/9023118308/03.This is from a total cash prize of
£7,200,000 GBP shared amongst the first Six (6) lucky winners in this
category i.e. Match 5 plus bonus.

Your prize award has been insured in your name and is ready for claims.
To begin your claims therefore, you are advised to expeditiously
contact our licensed and accredited claim agent for Overseas Lottery Winners
within a period of 21 days (date of this email inclusive) for the
processing of your winning and remittance to your designated bank account
after all statutory obligations have been satisfactorily dispensed with.

This promotion takes place weekly. Please note that your lucky winning
number falls within our European booklet representative office in
Europe as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your £1,200,000
(ONE MILLION AND TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) would be released
to you by any of our payment offices in Europe.

Please be informed that claims not processed within the stipulated
period may be forfeited to the pool without further notice.

Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate
the release of your funds as soon as you contact him. You may wish to
establish contact via e-mail with the particulars presented below citing
the batch and reference numbers to this letter between the hours of
8.00am - 9.30pm on Monday through Sunday.

UK NATIONAL LOTTERY CLAIMS APPLICATION FORM--(Prize Winning Receipt)
========================================================================================

[FULL NAME
OFWINNER]............................................................

[CURRENTADDRESS]...........................................
....................

[COUNTRY/REGION].............
..................................................

[STATE/PROVINCE]................................................................

[AGE]
................................................................................

[SEX]...........................................................................

[MARTIAL
STATUS]................................................................

[OCCUPATION]..
.................................................................

[CURRENT
EMAIL].................................................................

[TEL/FAX].......................................................................

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENTRY WINNING INFORMATION
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ENTRY TICKET NUMBER]..................................

[DRAW DATE]......................................................

CLAIMANTSIGNATORY DECLARATION
===================================================================================

I,.....................................................HEREBY DECLARE
THAT I HAVE NEVER RECIEVED ANY SETTLEMENT FROM THE NATIONAL LOTTERY
PROMOTION WINNING NOR HAVE ANY MEMBER OF MY FAMILY FILED CLAIMS ON MY
BEHALF TO THE NATIONAL LOTTERY ORGANISATION. I, THEREFORE ASK THE UK
NATIONAL LOTTERY COMPANY TO ACT ON MY BEHALF IN THE PROCESSING AND THE
TRANSFER OF MY PRIZE AS INSTRUCTED BY ME.
====================================================================================

Overseas Claims Unit
United Kingdom Lottery Fiduciary
Contact Person: Dr. Samuel Bevan
Email: uknlclaimsagent01@yahoo.com
Tel: +44-701-421-8344
+44-701-421-8319
+44-701-421-8316

Our winners are assured of the utmost standards of confidentiality, and
press anonymity until the end of proceedings, and beyond where they so
desire. Be further advised to maintain the strictest level of
confidentiality until the end of proceedings to guard against problems
associated with fraudulent claims. This is part of our precautionary measure to
avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. Harley Cowell,
Online coordinator for UK NATIONAL LOTTERY Program.

RyeGuy Says:


#1: I'm not a distinguished professional. I'm unemployed.

#2: Any idiot with half a brain goes to the National Lottery website, and finds out that one cannot play the lottery w/o a sterling bank account or trusted friend in the UK, of which I have neither.

#3: If your "claims agent" was part of the UK National lottery, wouldn't he be using an email account that ended with "@lottery.co.uk", or another European account, and not "@yahoo.com"? pretty rookie mistake there, bub.

#4: One cannot win a lottery if one has not entered. Dur....

"What time is it? January? What the hell?"

So what's happened in the last year? Too much, and not enough. The only thing that really matters right now is what's happened in the last week-ish, mainly, packing up everything and moving. I'd found a place to stay, sweet rent, nice location, nice place.... but no job. And it turns out that I have to wait until Monday to find one, because the people I need to talk to get regular teacher's holidays, even though they're administration. Ah well, that just gives me an extra week to veg and get acclimated (seriously, it was +5 yesterday. ridiculous.) Anyways, this pretty much wraps up the one "blog" entry I do per year. So... here. Let's balance this out...