what??!?

I watched the beginning of the All-Star game yesterday.

Wayne Newton = shat.

Not "THE shat." Just plain shat.

Dissection time!

1: His face

The dude has a plastic face! He could hardly move his mouth in time with the words! And that plasticine smile is enough to inspire nightmares! [!!!shudder!!!] This brings me to

2: His singing

Why do people think he's such a good singer? I can't see... mostly because HE WASN'T SINGING! He was merely moving his over-bloated smile in time with the words! I wasn't sure at first, but the "grand finale" clinched it --> the words went "Yeah!" ~ a beat and a 1/2 before he did...

3: His instrumentalism

I may have just invented the word, but regardless, it was ridiculous. Worse than Colin Mochrie (sp? who cares...) as the Snack Fairy. Well, I actually think that's funny, but funny "ha ha", not funny "what the hell is he trying to do?", which is what Newton's instrumentalism was. I don't think his guitar even had strings on it! Listen dude, if you're gonna air-guitar, at least move your left hand. Holding it in one position while flailing around with the right just looks dumb. And don't ever pick up a fiddle again. Disgraceful.

4: His face (yes, again!)

Look, Wayne(ker), if they can put it in you, they can take it out. Get them to take out 2/3 of the crap you've had injected in your cheeks, and at least you'll lose the "chipmunk-hoarding-for-the-winter" look. It just makes you look like a fool. I know you're supposed to be an entertainer, but the only thing I found entertaining about the opening ceremonies was the announcer's name embellishment.

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Well, that was messy. Time to clean up and go play hockey.